The Role of Ambivalence in the Decision-Making Process

I’ve got a decision to make.  It’s one of those decisions that no matter which way I go—left or right, yes or no—chances are excellent I’ll regret it.  I’d like to totally ignore it (as I do everything else I don’t want to deal with, under the impression that whatever it is will just disappear into irrelevancy), but I’d probably regret that, too.  It’s a lose-lose-lose proposition in my mind, which means I just can’t win.  And, if I can’t win, I may as well surrender – it’s just a matter of choosing the option I’m willing to regret the least for the rest of my days.

The life changing, do-or-die question is this:  Should I, or should I not, attend my high school reunion?

Yeah, I know…that’s a toughy.

On the plus side, I wouldn’t have that far to go; it’s a relatively short drive from here compared to, say, Canada. But I wonder if five hours and the cost of a hotel room are worth subjecting myself to the possibility of ridicule, censure and/or total anonymity.  What if the only three people who knew my name don’t show up, or worse yet, don’t remember me?  What if it was all a nightmare and I just think I graduated…in the bottom half of my class?  What if I’m the only person there who’s been divorced?  Or failed to finished college?  Or doesn’t own an island in the Pacific? What could I possibly have in common with these people, besides an English teacher?

The mature, pragmatic side of me says a lot of people there will be feeling the same way.  It tells me that we’re all adults now, with spouses, children, and grandchildren.  We’ve all had our tragedies, triumphs, successes and failures.  We all look ugly naked.  But, the insecure, childish side (really, the more discerning of the two) knows that the moment I hit the door I’ll magically morph into the introverted, socially gawky teenager I used to be, which will not be an attractive sight – I’ll be a 59-year-old girl with big hands, big feet, and acne.  I’ll be intimidated all over again by the popular kids, the cheerleaders, the football jocks.  I’ll feel left out because I never joined the drill team.  Or ran for student council.  Or got A’s.

So, I guess it’s just a matter of time, waiting to see which side of my ambivalent personality comes out on top.  Of course, if I’m lucky, I’ll still be arguing with myself until it’s too late, which, come to think of it, is the one choice I could live with.

Which smells just like (dare I say it?) a win for both of me!

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About Cindy Thrasher

What about me? Good question. As soon as I figure it out, I'll let you know. In the meantime, let's just say I exist. In Texas. With a husband. In a house. With two dogs.

Posted on July 7, 2011, in Thinking it Through and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. I like your style, authenticity and courage to just say what you want to say. It’s what I like to do too & it’s refreshing to read from someone else who says it all very well! Thanks for the blog on Decision Making.

    • I don’t know how much courage it takes to hide behind a computer LOL! Hopefully, people can relate, which is really what I’m after. I so appreciate your taking the time to read and comment. I hope you come back!

  2. Hi Cindy..I think its cool that you have a blog.

  3. Wow! I think you’ve been in my head. Since I don’t know you that well, it’s kinda creepy. LOL j/k. Kim’s right. It took a lot of courage to say all that. Fortunately my dad had knee replacement surgery recently so I missed my 30th and didn’t have to worry about making a decision. Umm…did I just say fortunately to my dad’s surgery? Geez …I’m horrible. I went to my 20th and it was no where near as bad as I imagined. I think I actually had fun. 🙂 I really think this one would have been better as it was informal and I’ve touched base with more peeps on fb. Oh well, maybe next time and maybe I won’t worry myself sick over it. Have a blast if you go. Have a blast if you don’t. Keep us informed!

    • Rhonda, it IS kinda creepy, but thanks for thinking of me! This is my 41st high school reunion, the first one held that I know of, which makes me wonder if they just didn’t want to tell me about the others! I’m so glad you took the time to comment – please come back!

  4. Go! If you don’t you’ll look back from your drooling doddering dotage and wish the hell you had’ve. None of the bad things you think will happen will

    I’ll be conspicuous by my absence

    Well written.

    • Yeah, well…if you’d go, I’d go. Then I’d have someone to talk to. We could be wallflower companions, and stand from afar remarking how wierd everyone looks! (Sort of reminds me of my first dance.)

  5. I went to my 10 year high school reunion. Have you seen “Grosse Pointe Blank”? It was a lot like that. But without the sex with Minnie Driver and the hallway fight…

  6. Reading some of your older blogs. So glad you decided to go but I don’t understand why you think being a cheerleader automatically made one one of the “included” ones……. I wasn’t. Still haven’t figured out how the shy skinny girl even got to be a cheerleader as I wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination a leader.

  1. Pingback: My High School Reunion – A Prologue « Cindy Thrasher

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